Crappy, Mostly True Tales

  Everyone knows that if you have to fart, you should go to the bathroom. But how far should you have to go in? I get that it's probably bad form to crack the door open, stick your ass in, and let 'er rip.  Or is it?  Would this pass muster as 'use the bathroom'? Okay, you step in and let's say there's a couple people at the sinks. Should you go into a stall? Is it okay to simply crop dust the whole place? Or should you stand there, like a deer caught in the headlights while you 'blow out the candles'? What about eye contact? Should you lock eyes with the highest rank in there while you beef? Should you wink and shoot an air gun at them afterward? Other assorted questions/comments I have: What is the protocol for lifting your leg/ass cheek? What about 'pull my finger'? Should one limit the pulling of another's head to your ass as you fart to the interns and night shift only? If housekeeping is there, leave. One should quickly find a quiet, ou...

This happened about 30 years ago when I was stationed at NAS Barber's Point, Hawaii. This navy base has since been decommissioned, but was full of old buildings and structures, as the old Ewa Marine Air Station was there. You could still see the old Marine airstrip in the back woods. There were still bullet holes in the old airstrip from WWII. Lots of old abandoned covered revetments and a few old pillboxes lined the beach. The base was kind of creepy even back then. I lived on base and one night me and my neighbor 'Tim' went for a drive around the base. I was driving my Chevy S-10 pickup; the top of the hood was about gut level. I'd say it was 4 feet. Don't know where we were headed and I don't know the exact time. There were orange-colored street lights, so it wasn't entirely dark. I was driving past an empty field and there was a chain link fence along the road. We were driving no faster than 30 mph. As was always the case back then, my head was on a swiv...

This is from a few years ago when I worked for an ISP that mostly handled the rural US south. I got an incoming call from what I envisioned as a family of alligators. This is how the conversation went to the best of my recollection: Me: Thank you for calling Rural ISP, this is ME, how can I help you? Gator:Rarr rar ra Rara raaa Me: I'm sorry, I didn't get that, can you please repeat that? Gator:Rarr rar ra Rara raaa! Me:....... Me: Sir, I'm sorry but I'm - Gator: RIRRR?! RI'm arr rarry! Me: Mam? Sorry, my mistake! I'm having difficulties understand - Gator: Ru rang righ! Ruu rant runderrann Rengrish! Me: ... I see... Mam, is there anybody else there that I can speak with? Gator: Yeahrrr run rec... Gator: Rrree! Rrreeeeee! Red rover rere. Rang ridiot ere rant runderrann reee Gator:... run rec.... Me: Great! Thank you and sorry about that! Gator: Ruhhh huhhh... get er done! I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing this will soon be over... Gator2: ello? Me: Hi! This is...

This actually happened during Covid Lockdown Shelter in Place. Today is day mpteenth of the Covid 19 shelter in place work from home saga. I take calls from customers and respond to inquiries, things like that. To keep myself sane, I have tackled a number of projects during down time. I do pottery as well, so I've been doing lots of pottery. All hand building. Small pieces really. The clay is a nice red body, fun to work with. Today I was doing some pottery between calls. My home office is upstairs, so I've been running up and down the stairs, so there's some exercise baked right into doing that project. I've been running up and down the stairs all day, taking calls and working on clay and the day is over, so I have to start dinner. My son had some friends over. He baked some cookies because they were all going over to someone's house to play some face to face D&D. He left me a mess, which I had to clean up before starting dinner. The kitchen is Grand Central St...

Settle down children and gather round. I'm gonna tell you an old story. A cautionary story about why you should never yank a monkey's chain. See, monkeys are a lot stronger than they appear. Their mouths are full of sharp teeth. And usually a monkey will leave you alone. Unless you yank their chain. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's set the scene: Picture this: I was a young sailor on the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72), a freshly built aircraft carrier. I had recently reported to the Lincoln, as it had been freshly commissioned and was going to go around South America to its new port in Alameda California. Yes, I transitioned the Straits of Magellan during this time (not the first time). Yes, I saw Antarctica during this time (again, not the first time). And yes, we stopped in Rio De Jainero for a port visit on the way (not the first time).  I didn't get to do a lot of things I wanted to do the first time I was in Rio, so I signed up for something I had alwa...

We used to own a house when we lived in Phoenix that had a room with high ceilings. The ceiling had to be 18 feet in this one room. The room stood out from the rest of the house, with some high windows and no insulation. I called it The Chapel. It was hot in the summer and cold in the winter.  Bernadette wanted to do something special for our first Christmas in this house. Specifically, she wanted to buy a very tall Christmas tree for this room. Like 12 feet. All of our other trees had always been 6-8 feet tall. I knew enough to know that a tall tree would need an extra large tree stand. But that's all I knew about the special requirements of having such a tall tree. We selected a tall, thin tree. I didn't even know how we would get such a large tree home! But we strapped it to the roof of our van and got it home without incident. Bernadette was convinced we didn't really need the extra large tree stand, and yeah, the tree did sort of fit in the normal tree stand. We set th...