Never Yank a Monkey's Chain

Settle down children and gather round. I'm gonna tell you an old story. A cautionary story about why you should never yank a monkey's chain. See, monkeys are a lot stronger than they appear. Their mouths are full of sharp teeth. And usually a monkey will leave you alone. Unless you yank their chain. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's set the scene:

Picture this: I was a young sailor on the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72), a freshly built aircraft carrier. I had recently reported to the Lincoln, as it had been freshly commissioned and was going to go around South America to its new port in Alameda California. Yes, I transitioned the Straits of Magellan during this time (not the first time). Yes, I saw Antarctica during this time (again, not the first time). And yes, we stopped in Rio De Jainero for a port visit on the way (not the first time). 

I didn't get to do a lot of things I wanted to do the first time I was in Rio, so I signed up for something I had always dreamed of: A trip to the Amazon Basin!

This was a group tour put together by the ship. We would board a bus and travel to the Amazon River. From there, we would board a boat and travel up the Amazon to meet with a friendly group of indigenous people. We would be treated to a meal, prepared by this local group. We would have the opportunity to interact with this friendly group. They would have a menagerie of local animals for us to interact with. And there were to be local swimming spots, where we could all swim. Tell me this doesn't sound 100% totally AWESOME. And, yeah it was! It's just that things don't go exactly as planned.

See, as I mentioned the USS Abraham Lincoln was a newly minted aircraft carrier. Meaning most things were just too spanking new to work properly. Not enough time had passed for the ship to gain the experience necessary to grease the gears, as it were. This was an East Coast Asset transitioning to become a West Coast Asset by way of the Straits of Magellan. The straits are quite dangerous and ships typically don't go there. By extension, carriers don't typically go to Brazil. The planning committee on the ship had never been to Brazil. They didn't realize (I guess) that we would be arriving in Brazil at the start of their rainy weather. And IT RAINED! A LOT. There was widespread flooding by the time we got there, but nothing Brazil is not used to. As such, our friendly group that was signed up for the meet and greet got rained out. They couldn't reach the predetermined location, as this location had been washed out. But like I said, Brazil is used to this sort of thing. They quickly set up an alternate location. And they found an alternate group of indigenous people for us to interact with. Turns out they weren't as friendly as the first group (so I heard). But we pressed on. 

OH! Remember I mentioned we were to board this boat? Turns out that because of the rains, we also had to board an alternate boat to reach our alternate destination. I shit you not, this was a three-masted wooden boat. Just like the Black Pearl. Remember how I told you it was raining a lot? Yeah, they wouldn't let us go below decks on the Black Pearl. We sat on these benches, exposed to the rain. Did you know there are swells on the Amazon River delta? Neither did I!

We finally arrived at the alternate location to meet up with the not-so-friendly group of indigenous people. Turns out they were straight up surly. They had one token person in 'local attire'. Meaning they stuck this mortified girl in a plastic grass skirt and coconuts for a bikini top for us to poke and take pictures with. She did not look comfortable but was the least surly of the group. The shared meal was definitely not local cuisine. I can't remember what it was, but it was something like hot dogs and chips. Cold hot dogs. Oh, and the water holes they promised? They were full of leeches, we were told, so please no swimming. Their menagerie consisted of a couple of small skinny dogs, a tiny green toucan with a serrated bill, and a big surly monkey with a chain around its waist. This surly monkey climbed up into the rafters and stayed out of our reach. We were told not to pet nor interact with the toucan, as it was not tame. It looked like they just caught in on their way in. And we were told to leave the monkey alone. And they specifically told us not to yank the monkey's chain. 

So the people were surly. Our swimming hole had leeches. The menagerie was dismal. The food sucked. But they had beer. Lots of beer. Did I mention this tour was sponsored by the ship? Meaning everyone on that tour was a sailor. There's three things most sailors LOVE when they pull into port (at least this is how it used to be):

Beer/booze

Girls 

Mischief

By this point in my life I realized that drinking in foreign ports is a sure way to miss out on what a foreign port has to offer, so I refrained from drinking the beer. Instead, I watched. I looked up in the rafters above me and I noticed that the big surly monkey was also watching us. I decided to refer to him as Tony because he looked like my cousin Tony. Tony and I watched as the sailor got drunk. Tony and I watched to see what mischief would unfold. I would not be disappointed. 

I mentioned the skinny dogs that the locals brought. I made sure to feed them some of my food. I realized the locals were watching, so I made sure to also eat what was given to me. Other than feeding them, I left the dogs alone. I then turned my attention to the toucan. He wasn't as big as I thought a toucan would be and he had a serrated bill. I got a bit close to his cage when one from the Surly clan communicated that as a bad idea. Shook his head no then made a biting motion at me while motioning to the toucan. Surprised, I pointed at the toucan, then rubbed my belly with a questioning face. He got that I was asking if the toucan was food because he chuckled (surprise!), shook his head no. He pointed at the bird and repeated the biting motion with his teeth. OH! I exclaimed, surprised look on my face. I pointed at the toucan, then made a biting motion with my hand. He nodded, laughing, again making that exagerated biting motion with his face. So I made a KAA KAAAAAH sound, and pretended to bite my other hand with my first hand. His eyes lit up on this, said something and gave me a strange pat on the back while talking to the other surlies. I noticed some of the surlies moved closer to us. I also noticed that one of the now typsy sailors had gotten up to investigate the sound. I guess he thought the toucan made that noise cause he stuck his face right up to the cage and was making similar sounds at the toucan. I tried to warn him:

me: 'Hey man, you really shouldn't fuck with this toucan, they're telling me this toucan is not tame and will bite!'

sailor 1: 'What? No man, it's cool. This is fucking Toucan Sam's little brother. What a cool little bird!'

me: 'Yeah, but you really need to back up a bit, this thing bites!'

sailor 1: 'Nah man fuck that! (laughing) He wouldn't hurt anyone!'

And with that he stuck his fingers in the cage. That's when that little toucan hopped right over and bit his finger with that serrated bill. He bled a bit, but nothing too serious. The Surlies and I all laughed, taking turns to pantomime our hand biting a finger. During our semi-friendly talk, Original Surly pointed to the swimming pond and shook his head. I spoke Spanish to them which they seemed to understand a bit more than English. While pointing to the pond I made a little 'inchworm' motion with hand, pretending to inch my way up my arm.  There were some nods at my motion, and shaking of the heads while motioning to the pond. Sounds like confirmation: leeches in the pool, stay away. 

More pantomimes while motioning to Tony, the monkey. Some nervous laugh from them and a well understood NO! Some pantomiming around my belt and it was communicated: NO! leave the monkey alone and don't pull his chain.

Some time had passed. It was getting hotter. More beer was being drunk, and a small group of sailors started to head for the swimming pond. I told them that was not a good idea. Some of them were starting to understand that I was able to communicate partly with our surly guests and they were warning us about leeches. Some were knuckle heads and jumped right in. But not for long. Yes, they were covered in big, nasty leeches. 

And by now, yes, you already know what happened with Tony the monkey. Some drunk fucker yanked his chain after being repeatedly told not to do so. And yeah, Tony came down long enough to beat the dumb fuck up a bit, steal his beer, and go back up to the rafters. The Surlies really seemed to like this last part.